Fuckery 18 – ThanksKilling

A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.

At the first Thanksgiving in 1621, a topless Pilgrim is chased and slain with a tomahawk wielded by an evil demonic turkey, which quips, “Nice tits, bitch!”

Centuries later, five college students (good girl Kristen, jock Johnny, ditzy Ali, redneck Billy, and nerdy Darren) head home for Thanksgiving with their families. After Kristen calls her father, the local sheriff, the car overheats in Crawberg (formerly Crawl Berg). This forces the quintet to camp out for the night. As they are setting up, Darren tells the settler-era folktale of Feathercloud, a Native American shaman who was dishonored by hedonistic pilgrim Chuck Langston, one of Billy’s ancestors. The outraged Feathercloud used necromancy to create Turkie, who is said to appear every five-hundred and five years to slaughter all Caucasians he encounters.

Elsewhere, a dog owned by a hermit named Oscar urinates on a miniature totem pole, desecrating it, and releasing Turkie prematurely and urinating on him as well. Angry, Turkie kills the dog, prompting Oscar to swear vengeance as Turkie runs off, and scares Kristen. Kristen tells the others about her run-in with Turkie, but they laugh off her story, until a baby rabbit (which appears to have been pecked to death) is thrown into their campfire. The next day, Turkie flags down a vehicle, and when the driver sexually propositions him, Turkie responds by shooting the man in the head and hijacking his car. By nightfall, the students reach their respective homes, and while Johnny tries to reconnect with his estranged father, Turkie attacks him. Johnny’s parents are killed, but he escapes, and rejoins his friends with the exception of Ali, who is having sex with her boyfriend, Greg. Turkie walks in on the lovers, slits Greg’s throat, and rapes an unaware Ali before snapping her neck.

After finding Ali’s remains, the students decide to go to Kristen’s house, to see if her father has any books about Turkie in his library. Turkie beats them there, tricking Kristen’s father (who is dressed as a turkey for an upcoming pageant) into letting him in by wearing Groucho glasses. As they wait for Kristen, Turkie and the sheriff share an awkward snack, which ends when Turkie murders the sheriff after he mistakes him for a duck. Kristen and her friends arrive, and are allowed in by Turkie, who has donned the sheriff’s severed face as a disguise. Darren finds a book about Turkie, and it mentions he can be killed if his magic talisman is removed, though the rest of the passage about how to destroy him is written in code. Billy stumbles onto Turkie disposing of the sheriff’s body, and while he and the others succeed in getting the talisman, Turkie gets away.

Billy storms off while Darren cracks the code in the book, discovering that Turkie must be burned at the stake after a demonic prayer is said backwards. Outside, Turkie magically enters Billy’s body, and forces his way out. Billy dies in Darren’s arms as they reminisce about all the good times they had together. Darren, Kristen, and Johnny track Turkie to his tipi and say the prayer, but as they prepare to burn him he runs outside, and is shot by Oscar. Oscar leaves, and the others go to Kristen’s house, unaware that the dumpster Turkie was blasted into contains radioactive waste, which reanimates him.

Believing that Turkie is dead, the surviving teens go back to Kristen’s house. While Johnny and Kristen admit their feelings for each other, Darren awkwardly goes to the kitchen to get a snack. There, Turkie rips Darren’s tongue and heart out. Johnny goes to find Darren in the kitchen, Turkie stabs Johnny with an electric knife. Kristen slaps Turkie and runs to a shed with a badly wounded Johnny. Turkie has chased her, but Kristen sets Turkie on fire with an aerosol flamethrower, and while he burns to death Johnny dies from the electric carver stab. Kristen grabs a pipe and knocks him into a pile of wood. Oscar congratulates her and she eats Turkie’s legs. Later, at a family’s Thanksgiving dinner, the cooked turkey comes to life, and in Turkie’s voice yells, “Do I smell sequel, biotch?!”

Cast

Natasha Cordova as Ali
Lindsey Anderson as Kristen Roud
Lance Predmore as Johnny
Aaron Carlson as Billy Langsten
Ryan Francis as Darren
General Bastard as Oscar
Chuck Lamb as Sheriff Roudv
Jordan Downey as Turkie’s Voice

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